Misgendering and deadnaming are among the most common manifestations of transphobia, directly rejecting the true identity of a transgender individual. However, transphobia is not always explicit. At times, it emerges through seemingly subtle questions, remarks, or behaviours that may appear harmless at first glance, but can nevertheless trigger discomfort and reinforce harmful stereotypes.

Tolerated, but not accepted

Using a transgender individual’s chosen name and pronouns is a generally positive sign. Still, this does not always mean that they are fully accepted. A person may be using the correct name and pronouns, yet still treat someone’s gender identity as something “unusual” or “difficult to understand”. Here are some of the examples:

  • continuing to perceive/treat someone based on their birth assigned sex rather than their gender identity, even if the chosen name/pronouns are respected;
  • saying that it’s “hard” to treat someone’s gender identity accordingly because they “don’t look like their gender”;
  • saying that someone shouldn’t express any of the traits that are traditionally associated with their birth assigned sex in order to be viewed as “valid”;
  • acting awkwardly or forcing any level of emotional distance solely due to someone’s gender identity, even if the general attitude isn’t hostile;
  • not being included in gendered events that match the individual’s gender identity.

“I’ve experienced lots of subtle forms of transphobia that only made me feel ‘respected’ on the surface, yet I didn’t feel fully accepted or included. For instance, people would use my preferred name and pronouns, yet the ways in which they behaved around me made it obvious they still viewed me as a girl. A few times it was stated that I ‘didn’t look enough’ like my gender in order to be perceived as such. For me, it never made sense, as I find it impossible to think of someone as anything outside their gender identity, no matter what they look like.” – Luci, genderqueer   

“The coward’s they/them”

While “they/them” pronouns are validating for people who use them, deliberately using them on people who have explicitly stated they go by binary pronouns can be considered an act of disrespect.

It is acceptable to refer to someone in a neutral way prior to learning about their pronouns (especially in queer spaces, it is generally better to use gender-neutral language than to blindly assume). However, repeatedly using “they/them” instead of someone’s stated binary pronouns can become a form of misgendering, which some binary transgender people refer to as “ungendering” or “degendering”.

It becomes especially problematic when people use “they/them” specifically because they feel uncomfortable referring to a transgender man as “he” or a transgender woman as “she”. In such cases, opting for gender-neutral language serves as a way to avoid fully validating one’s gender identity.

It’s important to remember that being respectful means listening to how one wishes to be referred to, rather than going for language that feels more comfortable and convenient to others.

Using the right pronouns until…

Another common form of misgendering can occur when a transgender person annoys, upsets, or disagrees with someone. In this type of scenario, a person who normally uses the correct name and pronouns may suddenly switch and deliberately start misgendering and/or deadnaming the transgender individual. This behaviour is considered harmful for more than one reason:

  • it shows that respect is conditional; the identity of a transgender individual is acknowledged only as long as they remain convenient and agreeable;
  • it sends the message that a transgender individual’s identity can be “revoked” as a form of punishment;
  • it implies that a transgender individual is not truly seen for who they are if the wrong pronouns/name are still a considered option. 

Recognising someone’s gender identity is an act of unconditional respect that shouldn’t depend on how one feels about them personally. Much like cisgender people don’t have their identity recognised only when others approve of their behaviour, transgender people shouldn’t be treated any differently.

Genuine acceptance and recognition go far beyond simply using one’s chosen name and pronouns when it’s convenient. It suggests consistent respect of their gender identity, regardless of how they present and whether there is a disagreement or conflict. Transgender people, much like everyone else, deserve to have their identities recognised as a natural and non-negotiable part of who they are, rather than something that can be questioned, debated, or outright denied.