Authors: Luci and Alex, transgender people

The reality of being transgender often involves facing unprompted questions, some of which can be quite delicate or even uncomfortable. The following article covers some of the most commonly asked questions, helping the reader discern whether they’re appropriate, fall into the “gray area”, or should be completely avoided.

The “bad questions”

Here are some of the questions you absolutely shouldn’t bring up, especially with someone you don’t know personally.

“What’s in your pants?”

The infamous “What’s in your pants?” is among the most frequent questions faced by trans-identified individuals. Its negative impact is worsened by the fact that it’s typically posed by strangers, in a way that is deeply intrusive and inherently disrespectful.

Not only is the question invasive and personal – it is simply not relevant. There is no valid reason to ask anyone (especially a stranger) for such private details about their body. Furthermore, drawing attention to someone’s physical characteristics can be distressing for those who experience gender dysphoria, and will generally induce feelings of discomfort.

“Are you a boy or a girl?”

This stands out as another frequently posed, unwelcome question a lot of transgender people are forced to deal with, which often comes out unexpectedly and from complete strangers.

Beyond its sheer pointlessness (particularly when asked by strangers who are likely to never cross paths with the person again), it also implies that one could only be a man or a woman, thereby reinforcing the gender binary. Should you know how someone identifies, a more appropriate and respectful approach would be to ask about their pronouns instead. 

“How do you have sex?”

The nature of this question is, yet again, deeply personal and disregards basic boundaries. One would not typically ask someone non-trans about such intimate details of their private life. Furthermore, this question can feel objectifying, as it prioritizes the individual’s anatomy over their personality.

“What is your birth name?”

Most trans-identified individuals aren’t comfortable with sharing their birth name (also referred to as a “deadname”). Bringing it up may trigger dysphoria or feelings of vulnerability/exposure. If the birth name is linked to a specific gender, it might pressure the person into feeling an unwanted association with a gender they do not identify as. In some cases, the birth name/deadname can be used as a “weapon” with the purpose of disrespecting/misgendering transgender people, which deems the question potentially unsafe.

“Can you show photos of yourself before you transitioned?”

Sharing photos prior to transitioning can feel exposing, potentially forcing the person to revisit a chapter of their life they might not feel comfortable with. Some transgender people prefer to distance themselves from their “former” selves, particularly if those periods were marked by discomfort or internal conflict.

While some transgender people might tolerate these questions, that doesn’t stop them from being irrelevant and disrespectful of personal boundaries.

Questions regarding medical transition

While the above-mentioned questions are fundamentally inappropriate and disrespectful in their nature, the “gray area” encompasses questions that may be asked for informational/educational purposes, or to gain a better understanding of someone’s experience. Even if not meant to be rude, these types of questions can still result in feelings of dysphoria, discomfort, or intrusiveness. This includes questions concerning the medical aspects of transitioning, such as “Are you on hormones?” or “Have you had surgeries?”. While some people are okay with educating others by sharing their medical transition journey, others consider this information private. It is entirely up to the person to decide if they wish to answer such kinds of questions.

If you’re willing to educate yourself on these topics, the best course of action would be to find out which aspects of their experience the person is open to discussing prior to asking anything. Be sure to show respect for their boundaries, so they don’t feel pressured to respond.

The “good questions”

The “good questions” are aimed at understanding transgender people’s experiences without crossing personal boundaries. Their main focus is set on feelings, respect, and support.

Here are some examples:

• “What name and pronouns do you use?”
• “How can I support you/How can I support the transgender community?”
• “Which aspects of your identity are you comfortable with sharing?”
• “How do I make sure I’m being respectful?”
• “What should I do/avoid doing to make sure you feel comfortable?”

The point of the “good questions” is to avoid excessive attention to anatomy and focus on personality instead.

Every trans-identified person’s experience is unique. While some may be open to discussing certain aspects of their experience, others may choose to keep these matters private. This highlights the importance of establishing a secure environment that allows for respectful communication. 

While genuine curiosity is always welcome in the trans community, one must ensure that they do not come across as insensitive or intrusive. Remember, transgender people are, first and foremost, people, who retain the choice whether or not they are comfortable answering your questions.