{"id":6983,"date":"2024-09-26T11:02:18","date_gmt":"2024-09-26T11:02:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bangbang.md\/?p=6983"},"modified":"2024-09-28T06:35:31","modified_gmt":"2024-09-28T06:35:31","slug":"eseu-acceptarea-imperfectiunilor-mi-a-adus-cea-mai-mare-eliberare","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bangbang.md\/ru\/2024\/09\/26\/eseu-acceptarea-imperfectiunilor-mi-a-adus-cea-mai-mare-eliberare\/","title":{"rendered":"ESEU || Acceptarea imperfec\u021biunilor mi-a adus cea mai mare eliberare\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tr\u0103im \u00eentr-o lume \u00een care b\u0103rba\u021bii gay sunt for\u021ba\u021bi s\u0103 navigheze printr-un labirint de a\u0219tept\u0103ri, traume \u0219i norme care nu ne apar\u021bin. E\u0219ecurile noastre \u00een rela\u021bii ne fac adesea s\u0103 ne \u00eentreb\u0103m dac\u0103 suntem cu adev\u0103rat demni de iubire, dac\u0103 nu cumva ceva este \u00een neregul\u0103 cu noi. <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen ultimele trei luni, dup\u0103 un situationship<\/em> e\u0219uat, m-am sim\u021bit singuratic \u0219i incapabil s\u0103 discut cu cineva care m-ar \u00een\u021belege cu adev\u0103rat. Apoi am realizat c\u0103 pu\u021bini abordeaz\u0103 subiecte legate de rela\u021biile gay din cauza ru\u0219inii.\u00a0<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Ru\u0219inea ne paralizeaz\u0103, l\u0103s\u00e2ndu-ne adesea izola\u021bi \u00een suferin\u021bele noastre. Aceast\u0103 stare a dat na\u0219tere acestui text. Cred c\u0103 experien\u021ba mea ca b\u0103rbat gay nu este una individual\u0103, ci interconectat\u0103, iar lec\u021biile pe care le-am \u00eenv\u0103\u021bat pot oferi suport \u0219i altora. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 o pauz\u0103 de doi ani inima mea s-a \u00eendr\u0103gostit nebune\u0219te<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I, a\u0219a \u00eel vom numi, a ap\u0103rut \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103tor \u00een via\u021ba mea \u00eentr-o sear\u0103 c\u0103lduroas\u0103 de mai, la un festival de film queer din Atena. M-a \u00eentrebat amabil dac\u0103 am dou\u0103 \u021big\u0103ri, iar \u00een urm\u0103toarele zece minute eram pe bancheta din fa\u021b\u0103 a ma\u0219inii sale, ascult\u00e2nd Tamta \u00een timp ce conducea spre apartamentul lui. \u00cemi era fric\u0103, dar cu fiecare atingere, cu fiecare z\u00e2mbet, energia lui \u00eemi spunea: \u201eFii calm, eu voi avea grij\u0103 de tine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mi-ai oferit, sincer, exact ceea ce \u00eemi doream \u2013 aten\u021bie, grij\u0103 \u0219i validare. \u0218i pentru cineva ca mine, care are nevoie de toate aceste lucruri pentru a se sim\u021bi \u00een siguran\u021b\u0103, a fost tot ceea ce visam. Din acel moment m-am aruncat cu totul, ca un copil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u0218ti\u021bi momentele acelea din filme c\u00e2nd, \u00eentr-un montaj accelerat, via\u021ba personajului se deruleaz\u0103 \u00eentr-un ritm ame\u021bitor, iar totul pare s\u0103 capete sens doar pentru a disp\u0103rea la fel de repede? A\u0219a a fost \u0219i pentru mine. O via\u021b\u0103 tr\u0103it\u0103 la maxim timp de dou\u0103 zile, iar g\u00e2ndul c\u0103 urma s\u0103 zbor spre cas\u0103 \u00een mai pu\u021bin de 24 de ore \u00eenc\u0103 nu \u00eemi provoca anxietate. P\u0103rea c\u0103 timpul \u0219i distan\u021ba nu puteau diminua ceea ce tr\u0103iam \u00eempreun\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Niciodat\u0103 nu mi-a pl\u0103cut s\u0103-mi iau la revedere pentru c\u0103 niciodat\u0103 nu \u0219tiu ce s\u0103 zic. A\u0219a c\u0103 ajuns acas\u0103, i-am scris urm\u0103toarele r\u00e2nduri:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201e\u021ai-am spus c\u0103 nu-mi place s\u0103-mi iau la revedere, \u0219i a\u0219a a fost \u0219i atunci c\u00e2nd a trebuit s\u0103 plec de l\u00e2ng\u0103 tine. Dar ceva \u00een fiin\u021ba mea mi-a zis, \u0219i continu\u0103 s\u0103-mi zic\u0103, c\u0103 povestea noastr\u0103 nu se termin\u0103 aici. S-ar p\u0103rea c\u0103 trebuie s\u0103 fiu lini\u0219tit. \u0218i totu\u0219i, moneda are dou\u0103 fa\u021bete, iar bucuria provocat\u0103 de tine, acum, la distan\u021b\u0103, a trezit o fric\u0103 pe care din toat\u0103 puterea mea \u00eencerc s\u0103 o \u021bin sub control.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sim\u021beam cum u\u0219or, u\u0219or acel sentiment cald din inima mea era \u00eenlocuit de nelini\u0219te. Frica \u00eencepuse s\u0103 eclipseze fericirea. \u00cemi era fric\u0103 c\u0103 dac\u0103 \u00eei voi spune ce simt, voi fi respins. \u00cemi era greu s\u0103 admit c\u0103 eram speriat de singur\u0103tate. Iubirea aceasta care-a r\u0103s\u0103rit din senin era, dintr-o dat\u0103, \u0219i oglinda traumelor mele.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ceva profund \u0219i nevindecat din mine s-a trezit atunci c\u00e2nd l-am \u00eent\u00e2lnit pe I, \u0219i, de\u0219i c\u0103utam iubire, am ajuns s\u0103 m\u0103 confrunt cu ideea c\u0103 eu nu merit s\u0103 fiu iubit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Traumele din copil\u0103rie \u0219i rela\u021biile cu ta\u021bii<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Privind \u00een urm\u0103, mi-am dat seama c\u0103 traumele copil\u0103riei nu dispar pur \u0219i simplu. Ele r\u0103m\u00e2n ad\u00e2nc ascunse \u00een inimile noastre p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd ceva sau cineva le declan\u0219eaz\u0103. \u00cen cazul meu, rela\u021bia nerezolvat\u0103 cu tat\u0103l meu biologic care m-a abandonat atunci c\u00e2nd aveam \u0219apte luni a l\u0103sat r\u0103ni nevindecate care continu\u0103 s\u0103-mi influen\u021beze rela\u021biile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neprezen\u021ba lui mi-a afectat capacitatea de a iubi \u0219i de a m\u0103 l\u0103sa iubit. Pentru c\u0103 \u00een ad\u00e2ncul sufletului meu, atunci c\u00e2nd m\u0103 \u00eendr\u0103gostesc de un b\u0103rbat, sunt acel copil c\u0103ruia \u00eei este fric\u0103 c\u0103 va fi iar abandonat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aceast\u0103 fric\u0103 m\u0103 face s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eendep\u0103rtez de propria mea autenticitate. Am realizat c\u0103, pentru fiecare partener din trecut de care m-am ata\u0219at emo\u021bional, \u0219i chiar pentru cei pe care i-am considerat poten\u021biali parteneri, aproape incon\u0219tient, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 devin ceea ce credeam c\u0103 \u00ee\u0219i doresc, perform\u00e2nd \u00een loc s\u0103 fiu eu \u00eensumi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acest comportament nu este doar un mod de a m\u0103 proteja de respingere, ci este \u0219i o oglind\u0103 a r\u0103nilor mele din copil\u0103rie. Am repetat \u00een rela\u021biile mele, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103-mi dau seama, acela\u0219i tipar de team\u0103 \u0219i ne\u00eencredere care m\u0103 urm\u0103re\u0219te toat\u0103 via\u021ba.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aceast\u0103 povar\u0103 a ru\u0219inii, mo\u0219tenit\u0103 de la mama mea, m-a urm\u0103rit \u00eenc\u0103 din copil\u0103rie. Ea, la doar 18 ani, a fost p\u0103r\u0103sit\u0103 de tat\u0103l meu biologic, iar satul nu a \u00eencetat s\u0103 vorbeasc\u0103 despre asta mult timp dup\u0103. Durerea \u0219i ru\u0219inea ei s-au infiltrat \u00een iubirea ei matern\u0103, a\u0219a c\u0103 am fost crescut s\u0103 fiu cel mai bun, s\u0103 m\u0103 comport impecabil, pentru a nu oferi niciun motiv de b\u00e2rfe \u0219i pentru a evita s\u0103 aduc \u0219i mai mult\u0103 ru\u0219ine asupra familiei noastre.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am fost \u00eenv\u0103\u021bat de mic s\u0103 fiu pe placul tuturor. A\u0219a \u0219i-a f\u0103cut loc \u00een mintea mea convingerea c\u0103, dac\u0103 voi fi suficient de bun, oamenii m\u0103 vor iubi. Iar \u00een momentele \u00een care gre\u0219eam \u00eemi provoca ru\u0219ine \u0219i durere profund\u0103. Pentru c\u0103 asta \u00eensemna c\u0103 nu eram suficient de valoros. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen loc s\u0103-mi ar\u0103t adev\u0103rata esen\u021b\u0103, fric\u0103 de e\u0219ec \u0219i dorin\u021ba de acceptare m-au determinat s\u0103 m\u0103 ascund \u00een spatele unei m\u0103\u0219ti. Aceast\u0103 lupt\u0103 interioar\u0103 a continuat s\u0103 m\u0103 consume, iar \u00een rela\u021bia cu I m-am ciocnit de un adev\u0103r dureros. Poate cineva s\u0103 fie l\u00e2ng\u0103 mine \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 iubeasc\u0103 far\u0103 ca s\u0103 fiu mereu bun \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 accepte a\u0219a cum sunt, f\u0103r\u0103 m\u0103\u0219ti? <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acest adev\u0103r sumbru, a st\u00e2rnit \u00een mine anxietatea \u0219i am \u00eenceput s\u0103 m\u0103 ag\u0103\u021b de el.  Am\u00e2ndoi ne-am pomenit, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 ne d\u0103m seama, \u00een capcana anxios-evitant, unde eu, cu teama de a fi abandonat, am \u00eenceput s\u0103 devin prea prezent \u0219i s\u0103 ofer tot ce aveam pentru a men\u021bine rela\u021bia noastr\u0103 pe linia de plutire. \u00cen schimb, el, sim\u021bindu-se cople\u0219it, a \u00eenceput s\u0103 se distan\u021beze, tem\u00e2ndu-se c\u0103 \u00ee\u0219i va pierde independen\u021ba.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aceast\u0103 capcan\u0103 a dus la o ne\u00een\u021belegere profund\u0103, am\u00e2ndoi ignor\u00e2nd faptul c\u0103 o rela\u021bie s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103 se construie\u0219te \u00een doi. Eu \u00eencercam s\u0103 compensez fricile mele printr-o d\u0103ruire excesiv\u0103, iar el se retr\u0103gea, percep\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 ca pe o amenin\u021bare la libertatea lui. \u00cen loc s\u0103 ne sprijinim reciproc, am ajuns s\u0103 ne r\u0103nim, s\u0103 ne \u00eendep\u0103rt\u0103m, f\u0103r\u0103 s\u0103 ne d\u0103m seama c\u0103 iubirea nu ar trebui s\u0103 fie o lupt\u0103 pentru validare sau independen\u021b\u0103, ci un parteneriat bazat pe comunicare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Revela\u021bia \u0219i autocunoa\u0219terea prin terapie<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 ce rela\u021bia s-a sf\u00e2r\u0219it, am sim\u021bit c\u0103 \u00eentreaga lume se pr\u0103bu\u0219e\u0219te. Pl\u00e2nsul \u0219i durerea nu veneau doar din desp\u0103r\u021birea de el, ci dintr-un loc mult mai ad\u00e2nc. \u00cen terapie, am descoperit c\u0103 problema nu era el, ci faptul c\u0103, \u00een ad\u00e2ncul meu, \u00eenc\u0103 nu m\u0103 \u00eemp\u0103casem cu propriul meu trecut. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Copilul r\u0103nit din mine nu a fost niciodat\u0103 iubit a\u0219a cum avea nevoie, iar aceast\u0103 lips\u0103 de iubire m-a f\u0103cut s\u0103 cred c\u0103 nu merit s\u0103 fiu iubit. Am \u00een\u021beles c\u0103, p\u00e2n\u0103 c\u00e2nd nu voi putea s\u0103 \u00eemi accept \u0219i s\u0103 \u00eemi iubesc acea parte r\u0103nit\u0103 din mine, nu voi putea avea o rela\u021bie cu adev\u0103rat s\u0103n\u0103toas\u0103. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A fost greu s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eentorc c\u0103tre mine. Mintea mea opunea rezisten\u021b\u0103. Nu puteam da fa\u021b\u0103 \u00een fa\u021b\u0103 cu Mine cel care gre\u0219e\u0219te. Frica de a r\u0103m\u00e2ne singur \u0219i de a nu g\u0103si niciodat\u0103 acea persoan\u0103 care s\u0103 m\u0103 accepte m-a f\u0103cut s\u0103 simt c\u0103, din cauza orient\u0103rii mele sexuale, fericirea este un vis imposibil. \u00cenc\u0103 \u00eemi era foarte greu s\u0103 m\u0103 apropii de copilul r\u0103nit din mine. C\u00e2nd terapeutul m-a \u00eentrebat ce i-a\u0219 spune acelui copil, mi s-a p\u0103rut nefiresc s\u0103 rosteasc\u0103 cuvinte ca \u201eTe iubesc!\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dintr-o dat\u0103 am sim\u021bit c\u0103 dac\u0103 a\u0219 fi spus asta, \u00eensemna s\u0103-mi recunosc vulnerabilitatea. Era ca \u0219i cum m-a\u0219 fi expus \u00een fa\u021ba unei oglinzi care reflecta toate temerile \u0219i insecurit\u0103\u021bile mele. M\u0103 sim\u021beam blocat \u00eentre dorin\u021ba de a m\u0103 accept\u0103 \u0219i frica de a fi respins, at\u00e2t de c\u0103tre ceilal\u021bi, c\u00e2t \u0219i de mine \u00eensumi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toate momentele \u00een care am \u00eencercat s\u0103 m\u0103 ignor, s\u0103-mi \u00eengrop emo\u021biile, \u00een care am ac\u021bionat \u00eempotriva mea erau acolo \u0219i amplificau durerea. \u00cemi era team\u0103 c\u0103, dac\u0103 a\u0219 deschide acea cutie a vulnerabilit\u0103\u021bi, nu a\u0219 mai putea s\u0103 o \u00eenchid niciodat\u0103. Cat de greu poate fi s\u0103 \u00ee\u021bi spui sincer te iubesc!?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen cele din urm\u0103, am \u0219optit \u00eencet \u0219i plin de ru\u0219ine: \u201eTe iubesc!\u201d, izbucnind \u00een pl\u00e2ns. Din acea moment am \u00eenceput s\u0103 \u00een\u021beleg c\u0103 a accepta \u0219i a iubi acel copil r\u0103nit nu \u00eenseamn\u0103 a-mi pierde for\u021ba, ci dimpotriv\u0103, a-mi reg\u0103si adev\u0103rata putere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cenv\u0103\u021b acum c\u0103 iubirea nu \u00eenseamn\u0103 s\u0103 ob\u021bii tot ce \u00ee\u021bi dore\u0219ti de la o persoan\u0103. Nimeni nu poate umple toate golurile din noi, \u0219i nimeni nu este responsabil s\u0103 vindece r\u0103nile noastre ad\u00e2nci. Trebuie s\u0103 \u00eenv\u0103\u021b\u0103m s\u0103 iubim cu deschidere, f\u0103r\u0103 a cere mai mult dec\u00e2t poate fi oferit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00cen fond, iubirea autentic\u0103 nu este despre perfec\u021biune, ci despre acceptarea de sine. <\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tr\u0103im \u00eentr-o lume \u00een care b\u0103rba\u021bii gay sunt for\u021ba\u021bi s\u0103 navigheze printr-un labirint de a\u0219tept\u0103ri, traume \u0219i norme care nu…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6984,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[178],"tags":[908,198,197,292,297,906,909],"class_list":["post-6983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-queer-proud","tag-iubire-gay","tag-lgbt-moldova","tag-lgbtq","tag-orientare-sexuala","tag-pride","tag-rusine-2","tag-situationship"],"yoast_head":"\nESEU || Acceptarea imperfec\u021biunilor mi-a adus cea mai mare eliberare\u00a0<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"E\u0219ecurile noastre \u00een rela\u021bii ne fac adesea s\u0103 ne \u00eentreb\u0103m dac\u0103 suntem cu adev\u0103rat demni de iubire, dac\u0103 nu cumva ceva este \u00een neregul\u0103 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