{"id":6525,"date":"2024-05-07T08:49:40","date_gmt":"2024-05-07T08:49:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bangbang.md\/?p=6525"},"modified":"2024-06-04T11:27:59","modified_gmt":"2024-06-04T11:27:59","slug":"eseu-bine-ati-venit-in-satul-al-carui-nume-il-port","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bangbang.md\/ru\/2024\/05\/07\/eseu-bine-ati-venit-in-satul-al-carui-nume-il-port\/","title":{"rendered":"|Eseu| Bine a\u021bi venit \u00een satul al c\u0103rui nume \u00eel port"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mama m-a n\u0103scut la 18 ani. Sunt primul copil din familia noastr\u0103 extins\u0103. Zic extins\u0103 pentru c\u0103 nu eram doar eu, sora, mama \u0219i tata. Am avut marele noroc s\u0103 cresc al\u0103turi de bunicii din partea mamei, Nina \u0219i Gheorghe, str\u0103bunica Anica, dar \u0219i cei doi unchii ai mei, badea Sergiu \u0219i Costea, fra\u021bii mai mici ai mamei.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

M\u0103 trag dintr-o familie de moldoveni simpli care au tr\u0103it \u00een Micleu\u0219eni, un sat mic \u00eenconjurat de p\u0103duri. Fiind mic, deseori m\u0103 \u00eentrebam ce urmeaz\u0103 dup\u0103 orizont, dar \u00eenc\u0103 nu m\u0103 g\u00e2ndeam c\u0103 voi p\u0103r\u0103si satul. Acolo aveam tot ce \u00eemi trebuie: familia mea, neamurile, dealurile, v\u0103cu\u021ba noastr\u0103 Stelu\u021ba, p\u0103durea \u0219i izvorul. Era raiul meu din care nu voiam s\u0103 plec.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u021ain minte clar \u0219i acum c\u00e2t de bucuros eram atunci c\u00e2nd venea r\u00e2ndul familiei noastre s\u0103 mergem s\u0103 pa\u0219tem v\u0103cu\u021bele satului. Pe atunci, fiecare familie care avea v\u0103cu\u021b\u0103 trebuia s\u0103 mearg\u0103 cu r\u00e2ndul. Acele zile erau cele mai frumoase. Toat\u0103 ziua zburdam pe dealuri, m\u00e2ncam bucatele g\u0103tite de bunica \u0219i f\u0103ceam amiaz\u0103 la uluce, un loc special la marginea p\u0103durii l\u00e2ng\u0103 izvor unde ad\u0103pam cireada.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Familia mea a avut mereu grij\u0103 ca eu \u0219i sora mea s\u0103 nu ducem lips\u0103 de nimic. \u0218i de\u0219i nu aveam poate cea mai \u00eembel\u0219ugat\u0103 via\u021b\u0103, nou\u0103 ne era de ajuns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

La 17 ani m-am \u00eendr\u0103gostit de un b\u0103rbat, \u0219i atunci raiul meu a disp\u0103rut.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Am fost un copil ru\u0219inos \u0219i curios \u00een acela\u0219i timp. De mic eram implicat peste tot, c\u00e2ntam la evenimente, mergeam cu str\u0103bunica Anica la biseric\u0103, apoi prin clasa a IV-a am \u00eenceput s\u0103 lucrez la biseric\u0103. Mama a avut mare grij\u0103 ca eu s\u0103 \u00eenv\u0103\u021b bine la \u0219coal\u0103 \u0219i s\u0103 am o profesie, s\u0103 nu fiu nevoit s\u0103 lucrez p\u0103m\u00e2ntul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am fost crescut s\u0103 fiu perfect. Mai ales c\u0103 tat\u0103l meu biologic o p\u0103r\u0103sise pe mama atunci c\u00e2nd aveam \u0219apte luni, iar gura satului o judeca c\u0103 a n\u0103scut at\u00e2t de t\u00e2n\u0103r\u0103 un copil de la un \u021bigan<\/em>. Din aceast\u0103 cauz\u0103 mereu am \u00eencercat s\u0103 fiu pe placul tuturor, s\u0103 fiu bun \u00een ochii altora pentru ca familia mea s\u0103 nu fie ar\u0103tat\u0103 cu degetul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Atunci c\u00e2nd \u00een adolescen\u021b\u0103 am \u00eenceput s\u0103 simt c\u0103 iubesc diferit \u0219i c\u0103 \u00eemi plac b\u0103ie\u021bii, m-am speriat. Nu \u0219tiam ce se \u00eent\u00e2mpl\u0103 cu mine, dar \u0219tiam c\u0103 este \u201dgre\u0219it.\u201d Unica solu\u021bie era s\u0103 ascund acest lucru de to\u021bi, mai ales de gura satului. Dar la 17 ani m-am \u00eendr\u0103gostit de un b\u0103rbat, \u0219i atunci raiul meu a disp\u0103rut.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 \u0219ase luni de rela\u021bie, p\u0103rin\u021bii mei au aflat despre orientarea mea sexual\u0103 \u0219i din dorin\u021ba lor de a m\u0103 \u201dsalva!\u201d de p\u0103catul homosexualit\u0103\u021bii mi-au impus s\u0103 merg s\u0103 m\u0103 spovedesc preotului, care la r\u00e2ndul lui, \u00eenc\u0103lc\u00e2nd taina spovedaniei, a spus altor persoane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 aceea, cineva din localitatea mea a f\u0103cut un cont fals pe Mamba \u2013 un site de socializare \u2013 \u0219i, pretinz\u00e2nd c\u0103 este un tip gay care caut\u0103 s\u0103 fac\u0103 cuno\u0219tin\u021b\u0103 cu al\u021bi b\u0103ie\u021bi, mi-a c\u00e2\u0219tigat \u00eencrederea \u0219i, \u00eenregistr\u00e2nd fiecare apel telefonic, a publicat ulterior discu\u021biile noastre pe internet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Astfel, aproape la optsprezece ani s-a petrecut un alt lucru \u00eengrozitor \u00een via\u021ba mea. Orientarea mea sexual\u0103 a fost expus\u0103 public pe internet. Familia mea se g\u00e2ndea la ru\u0219inea care ne apas\u0103, mie \u00eemi era fric\u0103 pentru siguran\u021ba mea.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Absolveam atunci clasa a 12-a \u0219i am plecat din Micleu\u0219eni cu r\u0103ni ad\u00e2nci. Atunci credeam c\u0103 plecarea \u00eemi va face bine. L\u0103sasem \u00een urm\u0103 pe cei care m\u0103 vedeau ca ceva anormal. Nu mai eram \u00een gura satului \u0219i credeam c\u0103 dac\u0103 o evit \u00eemi voi vindeca r\u0103nile. Dar nu a fost a\u0219a. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

E greu s\u0103 dai fa\u021b\u0103 \u00een fa\u021b\u0103 cu fricile pe care le aveai la 17 ani \u0219i care \u00eenc\u0103 te urm\u0103resc.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 doi ani de terapie, am realizat c\u0103, din necesitatea de m\u0103 proteja de reac\u021biile inadecvate ale satenilor, am ales s\u0103 evit \u00eent\u00e2lnirile cu ei. Lucru care a provocat \u0219i mai mult\u0103 suferin\u021b\u0103 \u00een interiorul meu, deoarece m-am \u00eendep\u0103rtat de satul meu, raiul copil\u0103rii mele, locul unde m\u0103 simt acas\u0103. Evitarea emo\u021biilor grele nu ne vindec\u0103 r\u0103nile, ba dimpotriv\u0103, le ad\u00e2nce\u0219te. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

De ce tind s\u0103 m\u0103 ascund? Pe cine avantajeaz\u0103 acest lucru? Clar c\u0103 nu pe mine. A\u0219a c\u0103 am decis s\u0103 merg de s\u0103rb\u0103tori acas\u0103 \u00een sat, la Micleu\u0219eni. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

C\u0103l\u0103toria acas\u0103 a fost plin\u0103 de multe griji. E greu s\u0103 dai fa\u021b\u0103 \u00een fa\u021b\u0103 cu fricile pe care le aveai la 17 ani \u0219i care \u00eenc\u0103 te urm\u0103resc. Dar am obosit s\u0103 mai fug. A\u0219a c\u0103 al\u0103turi de prietena mea Vlada, am mers seara la slujba de \u00eenviere ca s\u0103-i privesc \u00een ochi pe cei care au expus public orientarea mea sexual\u0103. Pe cei care m\u0103 judec\u0103 \u0219i m\u0103 cred “p\u0103c\u0103tos.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dup\u0103 mai bine de zece ani de c\u00e2nd am plecat din sat, \u0219i dup\u0103 al\u021bi nou\u0103 \u00een care am lucrat la biseric\u0103 cot la cot cu cel care mi-a f\u0103cut outing, revenirea a activat \u00een mine traumele pe care voiam s\u0103 le uit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Atunci c\u00e2nd am intrat \u00een biseric\u0103, toate privirile s-au \u00eendreptat asupra mea. La \u00eenceput unii se \u00eentrebau cine sunt. Abia atunci c\u00e2nd ochii satului au v\u0103zut clar cine sunt, vocile curioase nu au \u00eent\u00e2rziat s\u0103 se \u0219u\u0219oteasc\u0103.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201eChei\u2019 satana\u201d (piei satana n.r.), aceste cuvinte spuse de cineva pe un ton hazliu mi-au str\u0103fulgerat inima, trec\u00e2nd prin urechile mele care dintr-o dat\u0103 au devenit sensibile la orice sunet. Eram pe un teritoriu ostil. Am f\u0103cut bine c\u0103 am venit? Ce voiam de fapt s\u0103 ob\u021bin? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

Am adunat toat\u0103 durerea, frica \u0219i ru\u0219inea \u0219i m-am uitat \u00een ochii lui plini de dispre\u021b \u00een timp ce \u00ee\u0219i spunea rug\u0103ciunea. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Persoanele queer sunt \u00eenvinov\u0103\u021bite deseori c\u0103 provoac\u0103 reac\u021biile ostile ce vin asupra lor. \u201eFac eu asta \u00een acest moment?<\/em>\u201d, m-am \u00eentrebat \u00een timp ce st\u0103team \u00een r\u00e2ndul lung de oameni pentru a cump\u0103ra lum\u00e2n\u0103ri. Privirile nu se mai opreau s\u0103 cad\u0103 asupra mea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Apoi pe amvon, un fel de scen\u0103 \u00eentr-o biseric\u0103 la ie\u0219irea din altar unde se predic\u0103, a ie\u0219it preotul. Acel preot care zece ani \u00een urm\u0103 m-a pus s\u0103-i povestesc \u201dp\u0103catele\u201d mele legate de homosexualitate \u0219i cel care, mai apoi, a spus altora despre mine. El, cel care judec\u0103 p\u0103rin\u021bii mei ca au \u201de\u0219uat\u201d s\u0103-\u0219i educe copilul. El, cel care, f\u0103c\u00e2nd \u0219i spun\u00e2nd toate astea, \u00eemi provoac\u0103 at\u00e2t de mult\u0103 durere chiar \u0219i de la distan\u021b\u0103. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Iat\u0103-ne acum, fa\u021b\u0103 \u00een fa\u021b\u0103. La un moment dat am vrut s\u0103-mi \u00eentorc privirea, nu puteam s\u0103-l privesc \u00een ochii din cauza nedrept\u0103\u021bii provocate, dar am obosit s\u0103 mai fug. A\u0219a c\u0103 am adunat toat\u0103 durerea, frica \u0219i ru\u0219inea \u0219i m-am uitat \u00een ochii plini de dispre\u021b \u00een timp ce \u00ee\u0219i spunea rug\u0103ciunea. St\u0103team acolo, \u00een mijlocul bisericii, sub privirea tuturor, vulnerabil \u0219i expus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am fugit prea mult <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Am realizat c\u0103 a fugi de durere \u00eenseamn\u0103, \u00een esen\u021b\u0103, s\u0103 fugi de tine cel autentic. \u00cen acela\u0219i fel \u00een care am fugit din Micleu\u0219eni, am ales s\u0103 fug de emo\u021biile mele. Aceast\u0103 fuga nu a f\u0103cut dec\u00e2t s\u0103 ad\u00e2nceasc\u0103 r\u0103nile \u0219i s\u0103 m\u0103 \u00eendep\u0103rteze \u0219i mai mult de mine \u00eensumi. A\u0219a c\u0103 uit\u00e2ndu-m\u0103 \u00een ochii lui am l\u0103sat toat\u0103 frica, ru\u0219inea \u0219i durerea mea de la 17 ani s\u0103 treac\u0103 prin mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nu aveam unde s\u0103 m\u0103 mai ascund. Am continuat s\u0103 m\u0103 uit \u00een ochii lui \u00eenc\u0103 plini de ur\u0103 \u0219i dispre\u021b. \u00cen acel moment gura satului a luat chipul lui. \u00cencercam s\u0103 \u00een\u021beleg dac\u0103 mai are putere asupra mea. Ca persoan\u0103 care se \u00eendr\u0103goste\u0219te de b\u0103rba\u021bi, prezen\u021ba acestei figuri paterne \u00een via\u021ba mea are un impact mare asupra personalit\u0103\u021bii mele. Iat\u0103 de ce venisem, voiam s\u0103 \u00een\u021beleg cum a\u0219 putea rupe aceast\u0103 leg\u0103tur\u0103 toxic\u0103 cu el. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Venisem \u0219i pentru c\u0103 voiam s\u0103-mi revendic locul meu sacru – satul natal. Locul unde am spus primul cuv\u00e2nt, unde am crescut \u0219i unde m\u0103 simt acas\u0103. Acolo este m\u00eeca \u0219i nenea (bunica \u0219i bunicul, n.r.), tot ceea ce am mai drag pe lume. Tot acolo, pe dealuri, locuie\u0219te copilul din mine, fericit \u0219i ferit de griji. A renun\u021ba la asta doar pentru a evita gura satului este ca \u0219i cum m-a\u0219 lep\u0103da de mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Atunci c\u00e2nd privirile noastre s-au desp\u0103r\u021bit, am sim\u021bit cum picioarele mele cedeaz\u0103. Aveam nevoie de aer, a\u0219a c\u0103 am ie\u0219it afar\u0103. Se \u00eent\u00e2mplase ceva \u00een interiorul meu, ceva ce \u00eenc\u0103 nu pot descrie prin cuvinte. Un lucru \u0219tiu clar, toate fricile, ru\u0219inea \u0219i durerea au ie\u0219it la suprafa\u021b\u0103, iar asta m-a ajutat s\u0103-mi recap\u0103t puterea \u00een raport cu gura satului. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

M\u0103 afecteaz\u0103 ceea ce cred despre mine cei din sat? \u00centr-o oarecare m\u0103sur\u0103 da, pentru c\u0103 acolo \u00eenc\u0103 este o parte din familia mea. Dar c\u0103l\u0103toria acas\u0103 m-a ajutat s\u0103 \u00een\u021beleg c\u0103 puterea de a-mi accepta toate emo\u021biile este mult mai mare dec\u00e2t orice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acolo, pe str\u0103zile familiare \u0219i \u00een gura satului am g\u0103sit o parte din mine pe care am evitat-o prea mult timp. Am \u00een\u021beles c\u0103 a fi autentic \u00eenseamn\u0103 s\u0103 te \u00eentorci la tine \u00eensu\u021bi, s\u0103 \u00eembr\u0103\u021bi\u0219ezi fiecare experien\u021b\u0103 \u0219i fiecare emo\u021bie cu iubire \u0219i \u00een\u021belegere. Acolo, unde sunt r\u0103d\u0103cinile mele, am g\u0103sit for\u021ba pentru procesul de eliberare de traumele trecutului, reu\u0219ind s\u0103 \u00eembr\u0103\u021bi\u0219ez cu mai mult\u0103 \u00eencredere ceea ce devin.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Mama m-a n\u0103scut la 18 ani. Sunt primul copil din familia noastr\u0103 extins\u0103. Zic extins\u0103 pentru c\u0103 nu eram doar…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":6526,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6525","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n|Eseu| Bine a\u021bi venit \u00een satul al c\u0103rui nume \u00eel port - BANG-BANG<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Mama m-a n\u0103scut la 18 ani \u00een satul Micleu\u0219eni la poalele p\u0103durii. 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